In the same way there are various types of loneliness, there exists various types of social interactions. All these types of interactions are set up differently, require different types of social skills and various levels of energy. They are also differently satisfying depending on the day, the person or the purpose. For example, one does not flirt the same way they take part in a team-building activity at work. Unfortunately, most people go through life without putting much thought into this, throwing themselves at social situations with little consideration, not understanding why their experiences with social interactions are so different. There are definitely people with strong social instincts who can navigate this with minimal complications, but for most of us, a little planning and understanding can go a long way.
Being socially active as an adult can be extremely perplexing. After all, we learned almost all of our social skills through school; a highly artificial system that forces us to be in close proximity with the same people for years. A system that will never be replicated again in our lives. This is why so many movies and TV shows are set in the high school of a small town. It gives a very simple context for the writers to create incredulous social interactions between humans who are stuck together on a daily basis. Furthermore, most adults are able to connect with these shows since they have experienced this context when they were younger. The adult viewer torn between being happy their life doesn’t have that much drama, and wondering when they became so old, reminiscing in the nostalgia of “simpler times.” I will talk more on school and socialization skills later. Especially about going through the education system as a queer man.
I classify social interactions in two pairs of opposite types, both pairs existing on a spectrum. The first dyad is one on one versus group, and the second is unstructured versus activity-based. These two simple dimensions allow us to map a world of wide-ranged dynamics into an easily understandable image. If you have a visual mind, it is also quite simple to place those two spectrums on a graph:
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| Table 1. The four quadrants of social activities. One on One and Unstructured; One on One and Activity-Based, Group and Unstructured; Group and Activity-Based. |
Now the idea is not to limit the type of social activities you have to only one of these quadrants. Instead, you can look at them as different options to obtain what you need to feel satisfied socially. As mentioned previously, these various activities all require very different levels of social energy and skills. You can adjust the types of activities you are going for based on your aptitudes, your needs, and your interests.
One-on-One versus Group.
One-on-one interactions are, as the name mentions, activities that you would do with only one other person. While you can easily see a friend or a relative on an individual basis, I find that one-on-one interactions are more often than not part of the realm of dating. They are certainly much more intimate than group activities. Most people will only hang out individually with someone they already know very well, or with someone they would like to know better. For queer men, on top of romantic dating, one-on-one time also frequently means sex (but let’s shout out to group sex, still). The reward for one-on-one interactions can be quite pleasant — less distraction, more intimacy, a privileged relationship, etc. — but you must keep in mind that it demands a lot more time, planning and social energy. Indeed, if you hang out only with one person, you are responsible for fifty percent of the conversation. It can also be a lot harder to plan if you do not make each other a top life priority. We have all seen the memes and comics depicting “adults” trying to plan to see each other and having to endlessly compare their calendars.
On the opposite side, group interactions are done with more than two people. Groups can be as small as three, or as big as you want. Although I find that the larger a group is, the more it benefits from being structured. Two thousand people watching a live concert is easier to navigate socially than forty people being asked to “network.” There is also a natural point at which a group will separate into several smaller groups; unless it is facilitated in a certain way. You must all have noticed the point at a dinner party — around five to seven guests — where there are too many people to all share the same conversation, but not quite enough to break it down into smaller groups. In this fragile social system, the addition or removal of one person can make quite a difference. If you do not believe me, go spend time at a dog park and see how one dog arriving or leaving the space can completely change the dynamic of the puppies. Humans are the same. I have been observing this for years. This is partly why most people will subconsciously try to keep their fellowship between four to seven people, hence why it can be difficult to join an already existing one. For most people, small groups require a lot less social energy. If you hang out in a group of four, for example, you are only responsible for twenty-five percent of the effort. And you can check out — or not contribute to the conversation — for several minutes without anyone really realizing. Although some people complain that it can be exhausting to follow the quick pace of a conversation between friends, especially if English is their second language. Tan, who has never felt socially adequate, feels this way. “By the time I come up with something to say about a specific topic, the conversation has already shifted to something else. I get home thinking everyone believes I am stupid because I cannot banter as quickly as them. Wondering if everyone noticed how quiet I had been. It’s much easier with only one or two other people.” Where Tan finds social discomfort, Stephen finds social respite. “I love hanging in a group. I can simply jump in and out of a conversation as I wish. If a topic doesn’t interest me, I just phase it out for a while and nobody notices my silences. When I am on a date, my silences feel a lot louder.” Both of them agree, however, that larger groups, like a party with a couple dozen guests, demands a lot more social skills and energy to navigate. Especially if they do not know many people. “I need to understand and analyze a lot more social cues,” explains Tan. “I need different skills to join or leave a small group conversation, to break the ice with another quiet guest or to get out of an interaction I find unpleasant. Sometimes it feels like everyone is so at ease at a party, except me.”
One of the main differences between these two types of interactions is the capacity and facility to plan them and to deal with rejection. Let’s say, for example, that Alejandro has a friend asking him to hang out individually. Alejandro likes this friend, and he would be happy to see him, so he looks at his calendar. There are seven nights in a week. He might want to take two of them for himself, to rest. He knows, for example, that he is always exhausted on Tuesday nights after two classes and facilitating the group with me. And he normally spends his Sunday resting, prepping food and doing school work. Then, maybe he has activities planned, like the gym or a choir rehearsal. For Alejandro, it’s a fitness class he attends with a friend on Monday and Thursday night. He has close friends he always sees one night a week, normally on Friday, and a sex partner that he wants to prioritize over the friend asking him to hang out. He is also making time on Saturday for a date with this guy he has been messaging on Tinder. This doesn’t leave him a lot of time and social energy for his friend. Even if he really wants to see him, it might take several days to find a good time. Guiltily, Alejandro suggests Tuesday night next week — more than one week away — trying to convince himself that he won’t be too tired this time at the end of his day. However, a small voice in his head is telling him this is not the best idea. That he will certainly regret it when that Tuesday comes. And that if he cancels, his friend will end up with nothing to do.
In another scenario, however, Alejandro’s same friend is inviting him, alongside with a handful of other people, to a park on Saturday afternoon. Now Alejandro doesn’t have to look at his schedule for the next ten days, only at his Saturday afternoon. He could actually find a few hours before getting ready for his date and he is thinking of prioritizing going to this event. He could use the opportunity to spend quality time with several of his friends, instead of just one. And if he cancels at the last minute, or if he only stays for a short while, his friend will still have some people to hang out with at the park on Saturday; his whole plan won’t be ruined. Alejandro can make this decision a lot more easily, without feeling guilty for not being a good friend. After all, his friend only suggested one date, Alejandro is either available, or not.
Rich from this social experience, my co-facilitator takes the lead in the group: “If you invite six people to go watch a movie and three of them are not available, you still have three friends to go with you. If you wait for one particular friend to be available for that movie, you may end up never seeing it.” However, as Sanjay is very quick to point out, this can lead to another problem. “What if I don’t have six people to invite? If I had six friends to invite to the movie theatre, I would not be in this group!” “Indeed,” confesses my co-facilitator, a little bit flushed, before moving the conversation towards this very topic. “In order to plan group activities, you need a group of people.”
In the gay world, where sex, romance and dating are almost always prioritized when it comes to one-on-one interactions, it can be very difficult to change the type of interactions you have with a particular person. It can indeed be quite awkward to invite six people you are having sex with to the same movie showing.
This is the challenge Nick and Stephen keep describing in the support group. Each time they meet someone new on an individual basis, they get frustrated when they inevitably do not receive an invite to tag along when this person is hanging with other friends. Although it is worth asking these people for an invitation, they might be reluctant to add individuals to their group. Like I mentioned, everyone is aware on some level that adding or removing one person to a group can make a big difference. These people might be very protective of their fellowship and the rituals they have together. Elevating Stephen to the status of “friend that hangs out in my group” may take a lot of time. Especially because he created himself a “reputation” for being a person who blurs the line by dating or hooking up with other guys who are part of his NA recovery group. They will probably feel a lot freer to invite him to some types of larger activity — like a beach day, or a birthday party — than to their Sunday movie night. Nick, on his side, confirms that if he is dating or having sex with a man, it becomes even more complicated. What does that mean, socially and romantically, if he gets an invitation to meet this sexual partner’s friends? Does that mean they are ready to change the status of their relationship? Are they officially dating now? Or is it still just sex? What if Nick’s partner is not fully ready to commit and still likes to go out to bars with his friends on Friday nights and flirt with strangers? Is he ready to let this routine go for his relationship with Nick? Do his sex partner’s friends even know he has been seeing someone?
All of these examples illustrate one of the main mistakes I see people make when they feel lonely. Many queer men, when trying to fight loneliness, focus a lot of their efforts on dating apps; which will by default lock you in the one-on-one interaction mode. In a large city like Toronto, you will often struggle to move from one-on-one interaction to group ones when you meet someone through a dating application. I also find that with gay men, unless the intentions are extremely clear or the nature of the relationship is well established, asking someone to hang out individually will always send the message that you are open to date or have sex with this person. It might not be what you are looking for or asking, but the innuendo will most certainly be present. This can implicitly add a layer of complication, awkwardness or resistance when trying to plan one on one meetings. Colin, although not consciously aware of this, has been faced with this issue a lot. Each time he makes a connection with someone on one of his volunteering shifts, he immediately invites this person for a coffee. And each time, the person becomes awkward and finds a polite way to refuse. Colin, who never had the intention to make a romantic gesture, and who does not understand that jumping from sitting side by side at a volunteering event to spending sixty to ninety minutes face to face in a coffee shop can be a pretty steep transition, has simply learned to stop asking. At least this way, his connection with them is not awkward in future volunteering sessions.
Unstructured vs Activity-Based.
Unstructured social interactions are those interactions in which conversation is the main component. Activities like grabbing a coffee, hanging in a park or going to a restaurant offer little in terms of structure. Although you may quickly discuss the menu, the weather, or the last time you visited the space, the structure of the activity will not inform a lot of the conversation. Unstructured social interactions are great with people with whom you have good social connections – like good friends, family (if you are close and comfortable with them) or dating partner(s). But they can be a lot harder for someone with lower social skills, low levels of social energy, or with people you do not particularly get along with. This is why going for a coffee can be so hit and miss for a first date. There is no structure to base a conversation on and no activity to ease the social pressure of having to do small talk. Greg, who spends a lot of his social energy on dating, affirms that coffee dates are the best way to meet someone, even if they are almost never successful and often very awkward. “I went on a date last week and I knew in three minutes that it was not a match. We had no conversation. Imagine if I had to sit through a whole meal?” However, Greg’s first date with this man could’ve been completely different if they had met regularly at the hockey league and slowly developed affinities with him. After a handful of meetings, going for a coffee one on one with him might have been a lot more enjoyable. And they could have at least talked about their shared interest in hockey. Not everyone is immediately good at small talk with a stranger.
Unstructured social interactions also explain why, I, along with so many people, feel quite exhausted during the holidays. I celebrate Christmas with my family, and we celebrate with a lot of unstructured social time — often with younger kids who do not know where to direct their energy — with just a few rituals (like unwrapping gifts and eating food) to give us some social context. After a few days of uninterrupted unstructured interactions, my social batteries are normally quite depleted.
On the contrary, activity-based interactions are interactions in which an activity takes the central part. Back to my Christmas celebration, I always notice that the energy changes completely when it is time to eat or to unwrap gifts. Suddenly, there are social norms to be observed, and all the conversations turn towards the quality of the food or of the unboxed presents. If Greg decided to go to a movie for a first date, the conversation he would have with his potential partner while walking home might be a lot easier than the conversation before the movie started. Why? Because he and his date could discuss what just happened in the movie, what they liked or disliked about the plot, the soundtrack or the character development. When there is an activity in your interaction, the activity becomes part of the social system and it does the work for you. It offers structure and norms. It can also make silence a lot less awkward when the attention is turned to the activity.
The rewards obtained from these two types of interactions can vary greatly. Greg may have a much easier time on a movie night for a first date and come home happy and excited for a second date, before realizing he did not learn a lot about his potential partner. Yes, he had a good time and shared similar views about the movie, but discussing various elements of that movie prevented him from asking all the things he thinks are very important to ask on a first date: about their interests, career, family, values, etc. Unstructured interactions, although they can be more demanding, really allow you to get closer to people, to be vulnerable, to forge deeper connections and form long-lasting bonds. It is unlikely that you will stay really good friends for the rest of your life with someone you only see once a week when playing soccer. Even if you really like them. You need unstructured time together to deepen this relationship. Obviously, for a partner, you want to find someone with whom you are comfortable in all types of interactions: one on one, group, unstructured and activity-based. But that doesn’t mean you need to start with unstructured time together. Greg disagrees. “Why would I waste my time and money watching a movie with someone, only to learn later that they are not a good fit for me?” When I suggest that this man could potentially become a friend or that watching a movie may be a more enjoyable way to spend a Saturday night than an awkward coffee date, Greg considers me and stays quiet. I know that I am presenting a simplistic way of viewing things, that more nuances are needed, and that him and I will revisit this topic later.
Activity-based interactions can be a great way to interact with other humans without depleting your social energy. After spending two hours singing in a choir, you might feel physically exhausted, but it is unlikely that you used all of your social resources, even if surrounded by thirty other people. Additionally, an activity like a choir rehearsal allows for larger groups of people to hang out together without too much hassle. Simply bringing a ball to a park hang out or a Frisbee to the beach can help you occupy a part of the afternoon during which you do not have to make an effort to maintain a conversation. This can be a great tip even if you are spending time with your best friends. And can also help to enjoy a social event with people you do not know very well.
Activities can also be based on a routine. For example, in Toronto, the gay dodgeball league takes place on Monday nights. Ari, who is part of the league, knows that each Monday night will be a fun social time. There is also little social pressure because he knows exactly what is expected of him when the game starts. However, he finds that the social pressure really cranks up once the group moves to the bar. Especially since he doesn’t consume alcohol. Suddenly there is no more structure to the event, except to drink and talk. Ari never knows what to expect. He dreads the moment when his teammates will get drunk enough to start mixing up with other players, wondering if he will be invited in or left alone, fully sober, at his table.
Finally, it is important to note that certain social contexts give the illusion that they are activity-based, even though they are not. The main example that comes to mind is Pride. Although Pride offers some activities — like live concerts, a parade, dance parties, and vendor booths — there is more often than not “nothing to do,” except walking up and down a rainbow decorated street and people watching. Not that people shouldn’t attend Pride, they should simply not expect Pride to do a great job at entertaining them. The same can be said for a bar where there is no dancing or show. It gives the illusion that going to a bar is an activity, but ultimately, the bar does not play a big role in the social interactions, except that you are surrounded by people. Like going to a large birthday party, a bar ultimately offers little more in terms of entertainment than a coffee shop. It will mostly be people standing around making small talk. For me, the unstructured event giving the most powerful illusion of being an activity-based time is a costume party. Now we should all definitely continue to attend costume parties (obviously!), but we should also be aware that the “costumes” will not structure the social effort for you. — Not the way a yoga class or a Trivia Night would, for example. — Sure, you can discuss costumes for twenty to thirty seconds, but ultimately, it will simply be a lot of unstructured social time in a prettier environment.
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Not being mentally and socially prepared for the type of interaction we are headed into can at best make the interaction more challenging to navigate, and at worse make us feel lonelier and lower our self-esteem. “Why am I so terrible at social interactions? Everyone else seems perfectly fine. Something must be wrong with me.”
Below, you will find the graph introduced earlier with ten examples of social interaction placed approximately on it. Please note that this is not an exact science and that most of these activities could be placed differently in various contexts.
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| Table 2. The four quadrants of social activities with ten examples. | |
| 1. Going out dancing in a club 2. Board games 3. Drinks with a friend 4. Hanging at a park or a beach 5. Movie night | 6. Joining an organized sport 7. Watching a live show 8. Birthday party 9. Coffee Date 10. Sex |
As you may have noticed, I included sex as a structured activity. In the gay communities, sex and especially hookups are more often than not deeply rooted in rituals. A series of steps, conversation cues, and processes that repeat over and over again with different people. For Stephen, who almost exclusively finds sexual partners on Grindr, the sequence of events is almost always exactly the same, even if the number of different partners gives him the illusion of variety. Stephen, who mentions being too uncomfortable to sit through even one of the coffee dates Greg is describing, has no problem walking into a stranger’s apartment, getting naked, sharing drugs and getting covered with their sweat and cum (when the drugs allow them to reach that point). I venture the idea that this is because one of these activities has more structure than the other. Stephen’s sexual routine has started long before he has even opened Grindr. He had been thinking about it for a few days, confirmed while watching porn the types of sexual prowess he is interested in, and fantasized about the moment he could skip a night of sleep without too many consequences in his life. Once he is on Grindr, he knows the coded language he needs to use to find other guys who party, the questions to ask to get what he wants, and the scenarios to discuss with a potential partner. When he finally jumps into an Uber, he knows exactly what is expected of him in the next few hours. Viagra in his back pocket to make sure he will be able to perform everything he has discussed online. Compared to this rigid sexual scenario, a coffee date is wildly vulnerable. Even if both participants will keep their clothes on. Kenneth relates to this conversation. “I may have a partner and not be on dating apps, but my sexuality is also always the same. I normally finish work early on Sunday and my boyfriend cooks dinner. When I get home, I shower, I douche and I put on a jock strap, because I know it turns him on. We eat with the bottle of wine I bought after work and then we move to the bed to smoke a joint. After four years together, we know how to get each other off and what our favourite sexual positions are. I guess we change it up from time to time, especially if we are on vacation, but for the most part, it’s always the same.”
None of the four activity quadrants shown above is inherently better than the others, and maybe you have a favourite one. However, knowing how to navigate this graph can really help in organizing a more satisfying social life. If you are deliberate with the types of activities you are organizing for yourself, you can eventually spend less energy obtaining the right rewards.
Vincent Francoeur 